Before you start to read this please be aware this journaling entry is very personal and it is extremely a very sensitive topic for me. Lately I have been questioning all my previous and current life changing decisions and the motives behind them and it all finally clicked.
As I am revising my 5 year plan, I’ve noticed so many events have taken place. Events that I honestly did not plan, events I had no idea would happen, and events that were expected. Back when I was in HS my 5 year plan consisted of personal growth and it has been a wild rollercoaster! As I reflect on my college years, I realize that I always felt pressured to graduate on time and finish everything in a timely manner.
After speaking to my parents and some soul searching, I realized when and where it all started. The year I lost my grandma. I lost my grandma when I was about to turn 12. As soon as I found out I canceled my birthday party. You know it is not easy to deal with the death of a loved one. But losing a grandparent is indescribable. Realizing you will not see them or speak to them or hear their voice is the most painful part of it all. Going back to Mexico and not having her around to talk to, hug, or sit with has been the worst pain in the world. Since that year I felt completely guilty. Guilty, because I felt like I ran out of time to make her proud. She did not get a chance to see me grow as an individual. She did not get a chance to see the amazing daughter (my mom) she raised be the World’s Best Mother. Ever since that I year I realized my life was a race against time. A race against time to reach my goals and make my family proud. I know that ironically death is a part of life, but I am not okay with it at all.
With this said, I realized I have always and still continue to speed up my journey. Most of the time I forget to relax and enjoy the little moments in life, even the little chaos life throws at me. The fact that it has been almost a year since I graduated college makes my realize how fast life moves and we have no control over time. “El tiempo no perdona.”
So what’s next? Instead of running full speed I plan to walk the race by the ones I love and enjoy the time and view.
I hope you all have a blessed day!
Thank you for journaling with me! Until next time.